Earlier on, I was on the phone with my mother. At some point, we started talking healthy foods and weight loss, and when I said that I seriously needed to get back on track because i’ve been slacking these past weeks, she asked me “ah, so you want to lose even more?”, as if she didn’t expect me to want that.
It got me thinking, why would I want to stop? I’m bouncing between a nice 60 kgs and 63 kgs (132-138 lbs). I’m 157 cm (5′1″) tall. I know my perception of my own weight and frame is flawed due to being overweight for so long, but I sure know that I am NOT slim. I’m still bordering overweight, I still have bulging tummy, bottom and thighs, and even if I know that I’ve lost a good deal of the excess weight already, I’m not fooling myself. I’m not looking to be perfect and model-sized, since I know my body isn’t just genetically cut for it; however, the margin here is still very wide.
However, the fact is that a few years ago, I got satisfied by being 63-64 kgs, and I seriously wonder why. Because it’s easy to maintain? I can maintain it with doing some regular exercise and without eating very carefully, and by comaprison, paying attention to eating well is certainly not a hardship at all. Am I frightened to pass under the 60 mark? Am I just so used to being overweight that somewhere in my heart of hearts, I’d feel at unease with entering the category of “normal people”?
I can’t find any answer to this, and this really bothers me. There must be something in this, because it’s the weight I’ve always blocked at so far, but I can’t figure out why. Some books and people say that keeping the weight on might be a way of protecting oneself from men’s looks, but I was getting men’s looks back at 70 or 75 kgs, I’ve been getting them since high school, I do have a boyfriend, I haven’t suffered from any sexual trauma (not that I remember of, anyway), I’m not afraid of getting a good shag regularly, and I honestly feel that this is not the kind of reason I should research into, as it’d only lead me on a wrong path. But then, what else? What can be a reason for me to inconsciously “fail”, or rather just stop, everytime I near this 60 kgs mark?
Drats, with my height and frame, I could do with a 120 lbs to finally look “normal”, and at such a weight, I wouldn’t look anorexic at all. Why should I stop here?
Well, the good thing is that my contradictary nature has been kicking in since this conversation, and that it’s somehow strengthening my resolve again, just to prove that I can do it. There must be a good outcome out of this, I think. I hope.
But it’s still not telling me why I always freeze at this point… Hmph.
Tags: weight | weight loss
September 18th, 2005 at 22:17
I think it’s just most important to find the place you feel the best and most comfortable. If you really are happy with how you look and feel right now then stay. If you just feel that losing anothet 10 lbs or so would be the best for you then do it.
I didn’t realize that we were the same height…all this time since you go by different measurements. I can understand how you’ve felt about 120 lbs although I’d really like to be 140 lbs at this point…meaning a big ol 40 to lose. I used to be 109 at my skinniest and I don’t think that is necessary.
Anyway…just do what feels right for you.
September 18th, 2005 at 22:29
Maybe it’s because if you ever became a “normal” sized person, you’d be accountable to have to behave like a “normal” sized person. And if you’re anything like me, you have no freaking clue what that might be! It’s got to be something subconscious blocking you from breaking past this point, otherwise you would have done it by now. Maybe it’s just time to take take a leap of faith and allow yourself to fumble around in some uncharted territory, otherwise how else will you ever learn what those “normal” people do?? Just a thought…
Beverly
September 19th, 2005 at 13:42
Robin — 109 would probably be too skinny for my frame as well, since I have quite a stout build (regardless of fat, that is). I must admit that I’d quite prefer the 120, though. I feel way better at 138 than at what I was before, that’s a fact, yet I know I could and probably should still go down a bit (or at least, if the tummy and thighs could go away, it’d already be a huge improvement). I mean, I can’t fool myself with talks of being big-boned and such, because it’s just not true *lol*
September 19th, 2005 at 13:50
Beverly — Same case here. I’ve been overweight since childhood, and I really have no clue about what “being normal” is like. While I was thinking of this some more, I’ve wondered if maybe it also doesn’t have something to do with the fear of being disappointed by what I’d look like. At least, if I can tell myself “I’m overweight”, then I’m sort of “forgiven” for having a big tummy and buttocks, but if I were to still have these while having reached a “normal” weight, I’d probably be very disappointed (and I’d also probably look weird, but that’s another story!).
Come to think of it, maybe you’re indeed right, and I need to force the subconscious part of my mind to realize that I can allow myself to be normal, and finally see how it feels. Now I just have to find how to do that!
September 19th, 2005 at 16:52
Good point Kery; it’s like an excuse for the things we don’t like about ourselves, both physical and mental. Then there are also the ramifications of massive weight loss on the bodies of those who’ve always been obese, which is where I am now. The thought of what you may be left with when you finally get to a “normal” weight after a lifetime of obesity can be downright scary! And in my case it is. The vast amount of excess skin I’ve been left with is something I never bargained for and has been one of the most difficult things to deal with thus far. Fortunately, the positives of newfound health and fitness completely outweigh the negatives of some extra skin, so right now I’m in a period of learning acceptance of this body, whatever it may end up being.
Beverly
September 28th, 2005 at 17:40
[…] I had briefly mentioned this in my answer to Beverly’s comment on this post, but then I had a serious little inner chat with myself, and I’m now really starting to wonder if this isn’t my issue with slowing down and being dangerously on the verge of… well, not giving up, but remaining where I am instead of pushing further. […]