It seems it’s a phase that comes and go, and hits many people, not only myself, when in the process of losing weight–or even of managing their loss! At least this is some kind of consolation, I suppose: I’m not the only one, and anyway I don’t have any other choice than to cope with it. But really, it is tiring all the same.
I’m not tired of logging my food intake, paying attention to calories and composition of food, or of moving my butt more often than just to go from my door to the elevator. However, I am currently in a deep groove of always thinking about food, which is what pains and worries me. Not only is it an added stressor in my already stress-filled days, what’s with work, classes restarting soon, having to take care of a few teeth problems, and my poor grandmother going to hospital for eyes surgery; no, it also makes everything more difficult, since thinking about food actually makes me hungry. Or craving stuff. At this point, I don’t know any more what is what, although combined with an active lifestyle, stress, falling temperatures and the fact that I feel like downing a salmon rather than cookies at 4 pm, it’s probably closer to hunger than to my usual cravings for sugary stuff only. Mind-inducedgenuine hunger. Uh. That’s a weird concept. Maybe it IS cravings, all in all.
And that’s it, really. I am worried about food almost all day long. I am worried in the evening about my breakfast choice for the next morning, if it is filling and healthy enough. I am worried when planning my meals for the day or the week: what if I don’t bring a snack on such and such day and am hungry and therefore go to the baker’s instead of just not eating? And how will I plan around if someone brings yet another batch of croissants at this office in what is a moment of weakness for me? Will this happen on Monday, or on Tuesday? At least if I knew, I could make sure to plan a bigger breakfast, or lunch? And I am even worried about cooking 50 more grams of cabbage because God forbids this could put me above my calories allotment for the day! Seriously, how silly is that?
The nastiest part is that I can’t control those thoughts. I, who wanted to find a way of turning my ways of eating into a healthy lifestyle, and not worry about constantly “being on a diet”, am now trapped, albeit temporarily (I so hope!) into what I precisely wanted to avoid. Is it calories counting that has thrown me in such woes? But if I stop counting, won’t I sooner or later, insidiously, revert back to my old habits of eating too much, however healthier my food choices? Hey, I can pig out on bananas and avocadoes, after all, this wouldn’t be a such big surprise!
I’ve never been a person who would ‘live to eat’; even at my highest, I would gain weight more out of being misinformed and not caring than out of binging and losing control on my eating. Now that I have all the keys in hand, now that I am informed and aware, it’s like control is slipping away from me the more I try to exert it. I don’t like this. I don’t like the feelings of frustration it brings to me, what this constant worry is turning me into. Losing most of my extra weight and exercising more IS worth it–I don’t want to get back to 75 kgs or more, I don’t want to find myself out of breath after walking three puny flights of stairs!–but in the present circumstances, I am definitely not happy about it either. It causes fears to rise in me, fears of having to remain this way for the rest of my life… and it is not the kind of life I want to live. Being slim wouldn’t bring me any comfort in that.
So I’m struggling, not with counting or planning, not with exercising, but with my thinking. And whether this is a normal phase or not, it is the first time ever for me, and I damn hope it will either be the last, or come to pass fast enough!
September 11th, 2007 at 22:06
First off, I think it’s really great that you’ve identified the problem–a lot of people would just get to “I’m sick of this,” and possibly start acting out, without stopping to figure out which part isn’t working.
But it sounds like you’ve gone further and identified the problem as not necessarily the eating restrictions or the tallying and counting itself, but the thinking process–the worrying and negative thoughts–that accompany it.
The fact that you’ve caught yourself doing this is really powerful, because it gives you a place to change things. (Which is really hard and a pain in the ass, but I think is really doable for people like you who are clever and observant).
So when you are planning ahead and strategizing for success (all good things), what would you rather be telling yourself? Could you practice replacing the “oh no” kind of thoughts with more positive ones? Like “good thing I’m the awesome kind of person who plans ahead–I’m going to avoid 90% of the problems a less organized person would have. And as for that other 10%, screw it, nobody’s perfect?” (Just a silly example.)
And is it necessary to think about food planning as much as you are, or are you doing a bit more of it than is strictly necessary because you’re afraid if you don’t, you’ll mess up? (I only ask because I’m a worrier about things, and sometimes I just have to distract myself and tell myself to shut up.)
Anyway, sorry for the long response! I may be way off track here, but it sounds like you’re doing all the right stuff and it’s more a matter of tweaking the self-talk. (You should hear some of the ridiculous self-congratulatory conversations I have with myself! But somehow they do help.)
September 12th, 2007 at 08:57
Well, to be honest, it took me some time to realize what was wrong–I’ve been more or less struggling since July, but I think that moving out and all the related stuff to do had kept me too busy to really put my finger on it, and then it crashed into me full-force in Auguest, with my birthday and its parties.
The most interesting bit (if I can say so) isn’t the planning part: I’m all okay while planning, I indeed tend to think I’m doing something useful that will avoid me lots of problems. The real tiring part is after, once everything is planned, but I am still worried about silly stuff! Somehow, I wonder if it’s not the calories counting part that is doing me in at the moment; knowing that I’m too small to afford more than 1200-1300 calories for weight loss also makes me aware that it isn’t much, and probably this is contributing to adding stress. I wonder if for a time, I shouldn’t simply go back to what I was doing in April-May–noting down what I eat, knowing that veggies and protein and a little bit of dairy is okay, but a slice of cake isn’t, and see where it takes me.
In any case–yeah, I think you’re right, I tend to be a worrier, even if I don’t always come up as one, and I’m probably doing a little too much than necessary out of fear of not doing enough. Thanks for the suggestions, too; I will work on that self-talk some more, and tweak it until I find something that works.
September 14th, 2007 at 11:33
I have found that I had to (and still need to sometimes) drag my thoughts out of an obsession — it does get easier with practice. I try to plan the food out for the week on a Sunday - so that way I don’t have to obsess about it. I cook meals in a crockpot and bake a chicken - measure everything out and put indivdiual meals in the freezer. No fuss, no stress and very little obsessing during the week.
September 15th, 2007 at 21:16
Maybe I’ll indeed try planning for the whole week. I don’t have a freezer or a microwave oven, so keeping and reheating food isn’t always convenient, but most of what I cook could probably be reheated in a standard saucepan anyway, so that shouldn’t be a problem. If this can contribute to make me worry less, I’ll sure jump on it.