This afternoon, I had to bring my car to inspection, and arrived there a tad bit early; what happened is that I had a book with me, I hadn’t eaten since the past seven hours or so, and I had some time to kill anyway, so I decided to go sit in a café nearby for the half a hour during which I needed to wait. Mind you, this was meant to be a pleasant moment—just me, a book, a steaming cup of coffee, and a chocolate croissant. Alright, the croissant sure wasn’t mandatory, I admit; I hadn’t had one in quite some time, though, and it was meant to be only one, not an excuse to order a full basket and pig out on it.
I entered the café—a very small, cozy place, that I used to go to regularly last year. A few people were there already, minding their own businesses, and I approached the counter to order, when suddenly it hit me. The feeling of shame. The feeling of shame at being seen by strangers eating a croissant in a public place.
Truth be told, it so clearly hit me this time, as I was finding a seat and grabbing my book while waiting for my order to be delivered. It’s not a new feeling, but today, after walking into such a place again after long months of “absence”, I realized that it hadn’t left me at all, even though I’ve now lost about 15 kgs (that’s about 33 pounds, if I’m not mistaken). I mean, I know that I’ve lost 15 kgs, and that I used to be really fatter than I am now, but for an external observer, I am still a “fatso”. I still look fat to them.
Them. The Naturally Thin Ones. The Not Fat, those who can’t know how hard it is at times to battle one’s own issues with food, those who’ll tell you “just eat less and you’ll lose weight”, as if it was the easiest thing in the world (well, duh, if it was, I’d have done it long ago, genius). What would they think of someone like me, eating a croissant alone with my nose buried in a book? Would they wrinkle their nose in disgust, thinking “hah, she’s eating this, no wonder she’s fat, she probably does that twice a day”? Would they make snarky comments in a low voice to the friends around them? Would they just not care? And first of all, every time someone around me is laughing, why do I still think that they’re necessarily laughing about me and about my weight? Maybe they indeed just don’t care!
I guess such crappy reflexes are really hard to overcome, and perhaps… perhaps I simply will never be able to repress them completely. Why should I feel ashamed? Why am I feeling ashamed? It’s not fair. It’s not fair to be plagued by such thoughts, when all I wanted was to enjoy a fucking croissant and a cup of coffee, like all of them do as well. That’s the way of the world, so to say. Be thin, you can eat whatever you want; be overweight, whether it is by a lot or just a little, and you’re catalogued, you’re smirked at, you look like it’s normal that you’re fat, why, eating a croissant must mean that you spend the rest of the day pigging out on other foods as well, right? Or am I just being so totally paranoid here, marked by a few bad experiences of mockery in the past? Why do I have to be so self-conscious when it comes to this, when on the other hand I won’t mind showing myself in a bikini at the pool or wearing shorter tops?
Sheesh, it’s so pathetic that I can’t believe I am still feeling ashamed at how I behaved, daring to eat this croissant in a public place, as well as being also ashamed at having this feeling. Does this whole schtick make any sense, actually?
Damnit. It was just one pitiful little croissant. And I shouldn’t be still thinking about this five frigging hours after it happened!
- Kery
August 3rd, 2005 at 21:49
The very thing you are doing is reminiscent of so many ads featuring women eating “naughty” or shameful or decadent foods. It’s a common image.
I believe food is meant to be enjoyed - but like all hedonistic activities - we have to keep our baser desires in check! Personally I like those double chocolate muffins - mmmmm - they go so well with a double espresso…
August 4th, 2005 at 06:17
Maybe it’s just that–a common image, so I expect everyone and their dog to know it too and immediately think of it. It’s just so frustrating at times. Of course, I shouldn’t be ashamed, especially when I know I’m keeping control on it and not eating a dozen of these foods or something, but I’m the only one to know that, and one moron–or one nasty remark in the past– can still ruin it all. Gah, I say.
And ditto on the double chocolate muffin, ahaha.
August 5th, 2005 at 14:37
I can understand, as I usually can with your blogs. So many times I’ve gone out to eat with people and I feel the need to explaining WHY I’m eating something that is filled with sugar or fat or whatever. I’m so worried people will judge me. Most likely people really just don’t care but it’s the stigma that people overweight deal with constantly.
Thank you for being so open…it was helpful to read. I love coming to your blog.
August 6th, 2005 at 10:30
You’re welcome! These things aren’t always easy to write about–after all, I bet we’d all like to write how perfectly we behave and how well we eat and all–but the truth is, at times we don’t, and it’s a good thing to try and point at why we don’t feelthat well on a certain day, or why these things can be so hard…
Sometimes, I wonder what is worse in this specific case–feeling watched by strangers, or by people we know we’re “dieting”. None of them do especially see the efforts and all the lifestyle changes; they’ll only see the very moment when we eat “some naughty food”, and this shapes all their judgments from this point on.
I also wonder, really, if one day we can ever be free of this feeling of “being watched and judged”. Gah.
August 6th, 2005 at 21:10
A great, honest post. I think that dealing with the feelings will help more than how much you eat. You are definitely entitled to enjoy a treat. Go for it and don’t look back. Thanks for helping change my viewpoint.
August 7th, 2005 at 09:12
I only panic about this when I’m about to meet my thin cousins (who, of course, look like me except that I’m thinner, so everyone can see how much better I would look), or with old friends who last saw me when I was fifteen pounds lighter. Otherwise, I eat on contentedly. If my sweetheart, who is infinitely more athletic than me, doesn’t care about my weight, why should I? Enjoy that croissant!!
August 8th, 2005 at 21:06
Personally I’ve found the worst place for this is in the office staffroom/lunchroom (or whatever you call it). The last place I worked at, it seemed that every single thing you ate was up for public comment - it became very stressful to be honest.
Then when I began eating 5 times a day I was constantly accused of being a glutton and “stuffing” my face all the time. I had the last laugh as I became fitter and stronger than most of the other couch potatoes there…
August 9th, 2005 at 13:23
The COmplimenting Commenter, thanks a lot for your kind words. I indeed hope too that being able to write about such feelings, rather than just pretending that everything is alright, will be able to help me on this journey. Sometimes we have to confront oneselves, after all, even if it means opening up to a few weaknesses…
August 9th, 2005 at 13:26
Potato - (Had to approve your comment, and I still don’t know why; AFAIK it didn’t contain any links or anything remotely close to spam. *scratches head*)
That’s exactly it… Among “thin people”, it’s all about feeling scrutinized, as if *they* couldn’t understand. Perhaps indeed they can’t, or perhaps it’s all about self-acceptance and learning to give the finger to people who judge us. Yeah, I should enjoy my stupid croissant, damnit!
August 9th, 2005 at 13:28
Jim - Haha, I’m trying to imagine the coworkers’ reactions. “Stuffing your face”? If you were eating 5 meals a day AND losing weight, I don’t even remotely see how said meals could look “stuffing”. Gee, I bet if a thin, athletic person eats 5 times a day, nobody ever pipes in, but they feel allowed or even entitled to make snarky remarks when someone who’s overweight does that. May they rot in their couches
August 12th, 2005 at 15:05
I agree the stigma of eating in front of other people is hard. You think to yourself “oh know I am eating this croissant, and everyone is looking at the “over-weight” (relative statement) person eating this naughty or bad treat” When I am sure that most of the time they don’t care it is just us making ourselves uncomfortable about eating that treat. We are judging ourselves based on what our idea of “thin” or “healthy” really is.
It isn’t fair that the media and the clothing stores have “shown us” what a “healthy” person is. It creates a bad self-image for those of us who do not look like these women or men.
Every time I walk it to a store and I feel good about myself when I leave I don’t. Because I didn’t look like the commercial model in the pants or top that I liked. Then I start to beat myself up for the Croissant that I ate. It is a never-ending circle… you start to think that healthy model would be able to eat that croissant and still look beautiful. The sad thing is that “Healthy model†doesn’t eat croissants; as a matter of fact they don’t eat much of anything. So how does that make her healthy? It doesn’t so I eat my croissant walk to the department store and buy something that fits that is comfortable and is somewhat like the item that made me in the other store look like a woman trying on little girls cloths and walk away to try to be happy about the fact that I am at least enjoying food!
Basically what I am saying eat the croissant and don’t beat “yourself†up about it..
Sorry for the long comment…
January 26th, 2006 at 19:16
This is a good looking site!
February 20th, 2006 at 18:15
Can I subscribe to this blogs feed? Carl in New York
February 22nd, 2006 at 05:08
Awesome blog you have. I enjoyed reading it this evening.
Peace
TreeFrog
March 14th, 2006 at 05:44
WordPress blogs are of much higher quality but they are harder to find unfortunately. Thanks a lot anyways.
March 19th, 2006 at 01:06
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Tell it a yolk.
March 19th, 2006 at 01:27
How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.
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