I’m going to start writing this post by being straightforward: the ’stop restricting’ way is supposed to be paved with good realizations, but also with bumps. Yesterday, I ran into one of these bumps. Today, I didn’t. Saturday, Friday, Thursday, I didn’t either. I knew and had already accepted that it would be this way.
However, in doing so, I’ve realized something else.
It’s like I see it everywhere now. As if I couldn’t see it before because I was part of it, and now that I’ve taken a step backward, or aside, or forward (pick whichever you deem more appropriate), my eyes are wide open And somehow… it hurts.
It’s the guilt-trips, the guilt upon eating a cookie, the guilt of not having stayed on plan for a day, the guilt of not having been perfect, of not having followed all the Dieter’s Holy Rules.
It’s the abuse, the hate toward ourselves, calling ourselves “fat cows” in front of our mirrors, berating ourselves for a meal turned a little too heavy.
It’s the obsession, the obsession with the scales, the obsession of wondering if we might have weighed one less pound on that goddamn scales if only we had crapped or let out some gas right beforehand.
It’s the food, the food turned enemy, the food viewed in terms of ‘good foods’ and ‘bad foods’, as if it was a battle of morality when all it is, in the end, is fuel for the body.
It’s the days when we say “I feel fat”, use this adjective as an epithet, reduce ourselves to that simple word however laden with so many wrong echoes. As if “fat” was a feeling. As if we were unable to say “I feel lonely, sad, angry, whatever”.
It’s all of this and more. It’s all that heap of negative feelings linked to dieting.
I know. We gain on weight easily. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be here, as members of the blogosphere writing daily or weekly about what a challenge it is sometimes, or about our goals and victories. Nevertheless… do we really have to abuse ourselves? Do we really have to make it a battle of guilt, of worry, of negativity? Aren’t we worth our own self-love, not as something easy to do (because it’s not always easy to love one’s body the way it is), but simply in some of our words? Why ‘feel guilty’ about a cookie? It was a cookie, not another human being you shot down in the street. We’re not little girls (or little boys)
Oh yes, it’s not easy at all. I too have felt guilty. I’m still battling those feelings nowadays, because I’m so used to them, in spite of knowing they’re not appropriate, that I wouldn’t know what to replace them with. I just don’t want to tread that road anymore. I am not a piece of crap that deserves such emotional abuse, as inoffensive as it may appear at first. Neither are any of us.
Willpower, yes. Dedication, yes. Empowerment, hell yes. Not the rest. Not the insults. Not the hate. Not the abuse.
Sometimes, somehow, reading some of the things I read around here… My heart weeps.
March 3rd, 2008 at 21:31
Yes! I really love this post. It resonates so much.
Btw I’ve had to move my blog so could you please update the link to http://www.andrewisgettingfit.com?
My webhost has gone wonky and I haven’t been able to access my other blog for about a week so I transferred to a new webhost and website.
March 3rd, 2008 at 22:20
Most of us growing up were told to treat others as we would like to be treated. And I think most of us remember that lesson. But womehow we forget to treat ourselves with the kindness and forgiveness with which we treat others …
March 3rd, 2008 at 22:52
Ironically, when I’ve had feelings like you describe in this post, it’s been because my diet wasn’t working. If you think you’re doing everything you’re “supposed” to do, and you’re being a “good” little obedient fatty and the weight still isn’t coming off, it’s very easy to take the frustration out on yourself. At least in my experience.
But now that I’ve found a plan that works for me, the grass is green again, the sky is blue, and I know which way is up, and there’s no source of frustration to take out on anyone. Everything works so much better when your expectations line up with reality.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:07
Andrew — Link updated. I should’ve done it earlier, because I had noticed the URL was different, but it seems my poor brain really doesn’t function properly these days.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:10
Happy — “Somehow we forget to treat ourselves with the kindness and forgiveness with which we treat others”, indeed, and I wonder why?
(Hm, I also wonder if it’s more of a female thing, or if most men trying to lose weight also tend to behave this way? It’s hard to tell, I don’t like generalizing either, or maybe it’s because we see more women than men on a diet in the blogosphere and on forums…)
March 4th, 2008 at 11:13
Chicken Girl — If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all that, it’s that bodies really react very differently. I think it’s partly what also helped me understand better that even when we do everything according to the book, it may stall all the same, but at the same time, *we* haven’t done anything wrong either… so taking out the frustration on ourselves is logical in a way, but also flawed IMHO. Maybe we’d better take it out on all those cookie-cutter plans that seem to imply that we all have the same metabolism?
March 13th, 2008 at 04:09
I think I say to myself that I feel fat when I feel uncomfortable or in mild pain. I think it’s when my body doesn’t look or react the way I want. It’s usually caused by morning aches, bad posture, or PMS. I don’t think feeling fat has to do with other emotions, at least for me.
March 13th, 2008 at 14:22
I saw this on other blogs/forums: “fat is not an emotion”. I think it’s true. I guess lots of us think it, though, because it’s a shortcut, and is easier to say/think than digging more deeply into what we really feel at a given moment.
I guess I can say that today, I feel overwhelmed with work… but not fat.