I’ve been mulling over this thought for the past days, and am wondering if I’m just kidding myself, or if this could actually be of help for the time being.
I haven’t reached a point when I weigh compulsively every day (once a week is fine enough), but I kind of have a weird relationship with my scale these days, in that seeing a lower number causes me to think that “it’s okay, see, you can lose easily as soon as you eat sensibly… so now you can go have that pizza”.
No need to say that “have that pizza” turns into a 4-days binge, and then it’s back to square one losing those pounds again. Pretty screwed-up way of doing things. And I wonder why I can never get past 132ish… Silly K.
Of course, I know I need some accountability–if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have got fat to start with. But maybe it’s time to focus on a healthier kind of accountability. For instance, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that logging a day full of vegetables, fish, fruits, healthy oils and some complex carbs is a sign that I’m doing things right (contrary to logging a day full of bread, pasta and cookies). Or maybe I can just focus on how my clothes fit; I have a few pair of jeans that won’t let me gain two pounds before starting to get snug, so I know I can ‘trust’ them. I should probably also take measurements, see how that works; I don’t know why I’ve never really done it, probably because stepping on the scale is faster and easier?
The reason why I also want to stop focusing on numbers (scale AND calories) is because, let’s be honest… I am developing an eating disorder right now. There’s no way of denying it, you can see it from my posts, and I can feel it as well. Sure, I’ve always had a weird relationship with food, with all those money problems and eating cheap junk packaged food, with overeating at times… but binge eating? No. Never to that extent, never to the point of actually planning binges. I’m also tired of worrying about numbers, and then of having these weird thoughts about “being able to afford crap, now that you’ve lost again the weight you had regained again“–it’s like all this worry stresses me even more, and aggravates the problem at hand. It had never happened to me in the past, and I don’t want to let it spiral out of control.
Can this work, or am I just kidding myself once again? I know I have to resort to any tool possible right now, and “dieting”, being obsessed by my weight, is certainly not a healthy tool in that regard.
But…
February 23rd, 2008 at 21:31
I find that I need to weigh daily. I’m a bit obsessive about it. I think that the discipline of controlling things that is necessary to lose weight can very easily lead into bad patterns so it’s important to monitor that as well. Oh dear…damned if we do and damned if we don’t.
February 24th, 2008 at 19:38
“No need to say that “have that pizza” turns into a 4-days binge, and then it’s back to square one losing those pounds again. Pretty screwed-up way of doing things. And I wonder why I can never get past 132ish… Silly K.”
That’s me! If you find something that works, tell me!
February 25th, 2008 at 19:57
It might not hurt to box up the scale and put it away a while. I’m not sure throwing it out is the answer … you may find it’s useful again at some point. (That said, I have issues with throwing things out sometimes. So take my advice re: not throwing something out with a grain of salt.)
But if you’re using the measurements or the clothes fitting as a way to gauge where you are, do you think the same thing will happen? Will you see that you’re where you want to be, and have the same cycle? I think *I* would, because for me when I’ve go through what you’re going through it isn’t the scale itself driving the behavior, it’s that “I’m OK from a weight perspective - I deserve/can have this food!” state of being.
You could very well have a different experience, though.
I think a mini-version of what you’re describing is a natural part of maintenance. That is, nobody’s perfect, so we’ll occasionally eat more of something than is ideal, see a gain, cut back, gain goes away, lather, rinse, repeat.
The big question, I guess, is how do we make the “too much food” moments a rare event, and how do we limit the “too much food” to one meal (rather than letting it go on for days), and I sure don’t have the answer to all that! If I did, I wouldn’t have lost then re-gained then lost then re-gained, etc.
For what it’s worth, I can share my recent experiences … I *think* personally I’ve done a little better lately with stopping the “too much food” at one meal (as opposed to having too much food for days) by forgiving myself and not getting emotional about the overeating and the number on the scale. Easier said than done, I know … but antidepressants and positive self-talk seem to be helping me.
We’ll see. Time will tell - we won’t know if I really broke the cycle until I’ve maintained a good long while, right?
And I know what works for me may or may not work for you - reading so many blogs makes me realize how different people are in terms of finding something that works well for losing weight and maintaining. My fingers are crossed that you find something that works for you.
February 26th, 2008 at 12:08
Thank you for your comments. “Damned if we do and damned if we don’t”, indeed!
Yeah, I wouldn’t really drop the scale in the trashcan, especially considering the fact that it’s not even mine to start with. I just feel like having it under the nose every time I go to the bathroom (i.e. a lot, given the 3+ liters of water I drink everyday) is… a disturbance. Happy, I really don’t know at the moment if my screwed up way of thinking would go on or not; it may be worth a try, it may just fail in the end. My main concern these days lies less with losing/gaining weight than on being borderline in terms of ED, and *this* is the streak I want to break. Numbers have started to have too much of a grasp on me, I don’t want to let them determine my mood, and so far, the number on the scale has always been more destructive in that regard than the size number in a pair of jeans.
We’ll see how everything goes, I suppose. If I manage to turn the one-bad-meal into just that, instead of a four-days binge, it’ll already be a big victory in my current world.
February 28th, 2008 at 13:06
ok seeing how I read your comment about not really tossing the scale (and a huge advocate of that. who needs em? we can make our own damn selves feel bad if we’ve gained a few and ALWAYS KNOW when we’re down a few) how about shoving it in the garage? attic? bottom of your closet where it would at least be a BIG concerted effort to drag out giving you ample time to say”
F*** IT!!
MizFit
February 29th, 2008 at 12:52
Bottom of the closet is where it went, since I don’t have an attic or a garage of my own. I now hope that my usual laziness will make me think “oh, why bother?” if I feel like getting it out.