Now this is a weird thing!
Back when I was at my heaviest weight, I had become quite talented to avoid being on a photo. It helped that I was the one who took them most of the time, because if I didn’t offer it, nobody would have taken pictures at all. Nevertheless, that was a good thing for me at the time.
And now, now, I deeply regret that I do not have any real ‘before’ picture to put on this blog, so that I can really compare with my current silhouette, and see the difference.
Because in my head, seeing said difference is still problematic half of the time. It’s difficult to look at myself as something else than ‘the fat girl’, and this dysfunctional perception is more than often playing tricks on me. Sometimes I manage to see myself the way I am now; at some other times, I’m just unable to. Comparing pictures would sure help. But no. The best I’ve managed to retrieve so far is that old picture that I’ve just put on my About page, and I wasn’t even an adult on it (although I already was my puny little 157 cm), nor was I at my highest weight ever.
So, yeah, I’m not happy about NOT having any photos of myself when I officially was in the obesity range. Lowest part of the range, but still. Ugh. “You’re obese, K.” That hurt like f… when I realized I couldn’t escape it any longer.
I am trying to find more recent pictures, but I’m afraid the best I’ll ever manage to lay my hands on will be pics of myself in high school–back then, I was about 72-73 kgs, which was closer to my heaviest weight, at least. No appropriate photo from after 2003 has survived the death of my old HDD, so I’m kind of stuck. Unless I find someone who miraculously was able to take a shot while I wasn’t looking, but right now, I’m not sure who that could be.
Ah, well. To think that I would regret not seeing myself again the weight I was at the end of 2004 (on a picture and not in reality, of course). Sometimes, that psychological stuff is really complicated!
