Yesterday, while sorting pictures that I hadn’t burnt on CD yet, I found a stash of photos taken in August 2003. If I hadn’t been already sitting, I think I’d have fell. See, usually I almost never have any pictures of me taken, mostly because I’m the one who takes them, and because I’m not very attached to having pics of all and every little moment of my life (it’s not like I do many exciting things, anyway). This time, I think I really have forgotten how I was looking like, and I didn’t find it great at all, to say the least.
I’m not sure how much I was weighing in the summer of 2003, but given the period, I probably had already hit a good 70 kgs. I still had long hair, tied in a ponytail. And I looked old, darnit, old. Right now, with 10 less kilograms and short hair, I look younger, even though time has passed. Is this the way people were seeing me as well, just not letting me know? Am I overreacting? Is my perception flawed, am I too used to think of myself in terms of “fatty” to see myself differently? Nope, I don’t think I was “beautiful”. Alright, my personal life at the time was rather crappy, and you can see on the pictures that the morale wasn’t great, but still, this doesn’t explain it all.
I realized that I’m still unable to consider myself as having really lost weight. Were I to lose 10 more kilograms, I’m sure I’d still consider myself as fat. I know I wouldn’t be, I know I’d be normal, but after, what, 18 years? 20? spent knowing that I WAS overweight, it’s not something that I can wipe off overnight. It’s so weird, since the logical part of myself tells me that I’ve made an effort and indeed lost weight, but the emotional part goes on “feeling fat” and screaming “you stupid ugly fat cow” everytime it can. I mean, really, isn’t that stupid. There are days when I marvel at seeing my collarbones in the mirror, then the next day all I can focus on is the extra layer of fat that hasn’t gone yet, and the fact that in the mirror, I still see myself as overweight as before.
I’d like to think this is linked to my current struggles with my increased hunger and feeling completely depressed (and in need of eating, ack) due to the lack of sun and warm weather in August, yet it’s not. I’m thinking in the same way on days and weeks during which I am “a good girl”.
How long, until I can finally cast a neutral, objective look on my own body? Will - can! - such a moment ever happen? I don’t want to end up depreciating myself just because my brain needs 15 more years to register that, hello McFly, you’ve lost the weight now, time to get accustomed to it! I don’t want to end up being thin and nitpicking about a half pound of “fat” on my hips. I know I’ve already gone a good way, I know I should persevere, I know it can be done, I know I have just as many chances as anyone else to finally be normal (I mean “normal”, not “slender”–I don’t have the morphology for this anyway, i’m not nurturing illusions here). I know I need to realize that I’m at the lower limit of the “overweight” part of the chart, and that soon I’ll go into the “normal” part.
But in my mind, I am fat forever.
August 16th, 2005 at 12:55
It was September 1999, When I used to have 180lbs weight. I suffered from great complex as my friends and collegues avoided me for I was very ugly looking and fat but now after taking some quality pills and daily based excercise, I have lost arround 60lbs. When I look at my self standing next to mirror, I get the benefit of doubt that IT IS ME.
August 16th, 2005 at 14:16
I can relate so much to your post…do I say that everytime? My biggest struggles right now are not hating myself for eating ice cream or a bagel or simply for having gained 50 lbs over last 5 years or so. It’s a daily struggle to not loath myself in such a strong way that I want to cry. I used to cry myself to sleep everynight because I hated myself SO much…I guess that’s progress that I don’t do that anymore (or not regularly).
I’m here for you.
August 22nd, 2005 at 16:08
To be honest, I found myself a few times on the verge of banging my head against the wall or the door because I was so frustrated and so loatheful of what I was looking like… I’m not even sure now how I managed to snap out of this state and try to consider myself in a more worthy way–perhaps this was part of this moment when I had the famous “click” that started the whole weight loss thing. Looking back to it, it’s almost frightening. I know I wouldn’t have gone to the point of really hurting myself, that is, but I have to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t like myself at all in that period, and that I didn’t know how to let all of this out.
In any case… thanks for your support, Muse.