This will be about food. Cookies, more precisely. Mini-cookies with tiny chocolate chips inside. In other words: the kind of food that I have a hard time passing by.
Except that I am, and if I’m thinking about it right now, it’s not in frustration, just because the thought has occurred to me after seeing a coworker with one of those little things in her mouth
The whole story? Someone, I don’t know who, has brought a huge bowl (we’re talking of several cups contents here) filled almost to the brim with mini-cookies. For what I know, they’re probably home-made, since I can’t see anyone at the office buy a dozen of packs of those just to fill a bowl at work. This was yesterday afternoon, and I think it must be noted that as of now, at the end of today afternoon, none of those has passed through any part of my anatomy, and very likely won’t at all.
And so, earlier on, I was exiting the bathroom and crossing the kitchen, when I saw my colleague plunge her hand in the bowl, casually, in passing, and pop a cookie in her mouth without even seeming to realize what she was doing. It’s only when I asked her “How did it taste?” that she mumbled some “Oh, okay, I guess” answer.
Why haven’t I eaten any of those? Why haven’t I put my hand in the bowl to take one without realizing it? I must be the only one in the office who hasn’t done so, given what I’ve ‘witnessed’ so far! Really, I’m not too sure myself. The most evident reason would be: “They just look average, and are probably stale now, after a night spent in their bowl, and I don’t feel like eating something that doesn’t look very yummy. If I get hungry later on, I have a juicy apple in my bag. Besides, my lunch was pretty filling as it was. Quinoa and green beans for the win.”
But is that it? Can it really be just that? I know myself, and not so long ago, I could–again–easily wolf down one or two packs of cookies in one sitting. Prepackaged, processed stuff, that was surely nothing comparable with homemade cookies. Old habits cannot die that fast, can they? I know this as well–part of what caused me to relapse last year was exactly that, old habits coming back full-force, when I thought they were gone, or at least pretty much tamed up.
So why do I feel that way? Why is it okay, all of a sudden, to not pay that much attention to that bowl (if you except writing this post, but to me, right now, it’s about noting down my feelings during my coffee break to better remember them later on, not to keep my mind off tempting baker’s goods, so to say)?
Now is not the time to be complacent, I think. Now is a moment to treasure, cherish, and make sure I keep in mind. It’s happening now, it has happened in the past, it will happen again, but it won’t always happen. I will still crave my old foods at times. I will still be confronted to them. I will still either give in, or turn them down with a lump in my throat, manner of speaking, and walk away frustrated and cranky about “that damn weight I always need to keep an eye on!”. But at times, yes, at times, I’ll also be able to glimpse into the little world of someone who doesn’t have to pay attention, constantly, to her cravings and to how to tame them. The little world of a person who’s free, or almost free, from such concerns with food, from such a kind of slavery.
Because it still is slavery. I don’t know if it will end one day. I don’t know if I will ever be totally ‘normal’ in that regard. For what it’s worth, I will probably have to watch myself for the rest of my life in order to prevent the weight from creeping back on.
But in a way, it’s okay, because I’ll also experiment such moments of inner peace, now and then, and, hopefully, more and more often.
I doubt there will come a time when I don’t have to battle my old cravings any more. Now, being aware of that, contrary to what happened two years ago, being aware of this trap, will make me stronger and help me not fall in it with both my feets.
I hope.
June 14th, 2007 at 22:46
Awesome post!
I love that you’re both celebrating where you are, but not pretending there won’t be difficult times too.
Your attitude sounds so damn healthy! Thanks for sharing that.
June 15th, 2007 at 09:30
Hah, but you see, when I started this blog, after a few months, I honestly thought the cravings and unhealthy habits wouldn’t come back. Yet they did, full-force, and took me unaware. So I actually had to learn from my own mistakes here.
Which, as usual in life, seems to work better for me than learning in a healthy manner. But that’s another story.