Not!
Because I now officially refuse to consider my eating and fitness behaviours in terms of ‘bad’ any more.
I’ve started this blog in the spring of 2005, and in spite of a few lapses and one big relapse that I could probably label a collapse without having to be ashamed of my English vocabulary, everything that I’ve learnt, everything that I’ve read about this sometimes touchy matter, is still there in my head. Healthy foods. Weight-related ailments. Risks of diabetes. Strength-training. Cardio. Muscle having more density than fat. What caloric deficit it takes to lose one pound of fat. Everything.
There’s another thing I’ve learnt: we have to accept out bodies before we can really lose that weight. Self-loathing can never take us very far along this road, during this journey that–let’s be honest–will very likely never end (yes, I too wish that once I’m thin, I’ll stay thin forever without effort, but I also wish that a green man from Jupiter will come down the sky and bring me money, a happy love life and peace on Earth).
And that got me thinking more and more.
“I’ve been bad” is self-loathing. “I’ve cheated” is self-loathing. “I’ve blown it all, why can’t I be good enough to be in control?” is self-loathing. Saying “I’ve been bad” is placing ourselves in the position of a child, an inferior position. Mommy, I’ve eaten all the cookies in the jar, I’ve been a bad girl.
Do we really need those feelings on top of the weight problem?
Yeah, I don’t think so either.
Therefore, if I eat a cookie, I am not ‘being bad’; I’m just eating a cookie. It’s not the best choice I could have made, but it still doesn’t suddenly turn me into a sinner who will have to bear the burden of her misdeeds and atone for that cookie until the end of times. I am worth much more than that. So are we all, all of us who have, had, and are to embark for that life-long cruise of weight loss, healthy eating and exercise.
It is a vicious circle. I know that many of us have been in that other crappy boat as well. Eating to comfort ourselves, to fight back stress, sadness, loneliness, anger… perhaps even fueled by the loathe born from us eating inappropriate foods and gaining weight to start with! It never ends, does it? It has to end, though. Because if we always go on describing ourselves and our actions in terms of ‘bad’, ‘cheated’, ‘failed’, ‘failure’, how are we supposed to muster the inner strength needed in the long run to help us make positive changes? Why would we want to make such changes for a person we (apparently) despise so much, right?
I know it is hard to get into a positive mindset, especially on top of all the lifestyle changes we have to make. I, too, still tend to speak that language of guilt (of Fat!) now and then. Then I do my best to not let myself slip more in that regard. A cookie isn’t ‘nasty’; it’s just a cookie (oh, I think I’ve pulled a Jean-Claude VanDamme just now). A quarterpounder isn’t the devil, only a heap of grease and artificially-enhanced carbs vaguely containing protein. But the only power those foods have are the ones we infuse them with–and the power of self-depreciation we so often unvoluntarily maintain over ourselves.
Eating that extra slice of apple pie isn’t ‘being bad’. Maybe we can simply keep in mind that maybe, just maybe, there’s another choice to be made. Sometimes, actively thinking of ‘We have a choice: what are we going to choose NOW?’, rather than loathing ourselves afterwards, may be what it takes to make another decision. A positive decision.
Andf you still choose that pie (please enjoy it, then, okay?): “next time, I’ll be more aware of my choices, and I will do what it takes to make a choice that is more appropriate to my diet”. Or anything like this. As long as it’s positive-thinking, and not loathe.
There’s enough work ahead as it is. I don’t want self-depreciation and negative thoughts to make it all the more unpleasant.
- Kery
The Good and the Bad on Angry Fat Girlz.
