I have decided to seriously tune down the amount of weight loss-related forums and blogs I read. Not because I don’t care at all. Not because I’m planning on denying my meager support to anyone (as if it was that useful to start with, haha). Simply because I feel that I cannot find my own ‘peace of mind’ as long as I’ll be in such intense contact with anything even remotely linked to ‘dieting’.
I can make healthy food choices. I can choose to walk instead of taking the bus. I am wise enough in terms of lifestyle to know what works for me and what doesn’t, and I haven’t lost natural hunger cues and other similar body sign. Nowadays, I know that I dont need some plan to tell me how much I can eat, nor how many glasses of water I should drink every day.
But what I can’t do is recovering from a newborn eating disorder while being surrounded all day long by ‘lose weight’ messages.
I did my best to prevent myself from obsessing about calories and the likes, which is a set of habits not that easy to lose, once you’ve taken it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. I can’t just snap my fingers and decide that voilà , there it is, the obsession is gone. If my binging problems have been getting a little better (meaning I binge like once a fortnight instead of every two days… guh), I’m still far from being rid of this particular issue. From what I’ve observed, I do better when I’m not focused on weight loss matters, and therefore not being constantly faced with the underlying pressure of “you know, K., not worrying about these things is what’s best for you right now… but you still need to lose weight, so get to work on it, I mean NOW, m’kay?“.
Yup. It’s not easy at all to get rid of such a mindset when it has become to overwhelming…
So, for the time being, I’ll be stepping down from 3FC and other places from some time. Even if I didn’t post a lot. Even if all I did was to read threads, and answer a few PMs. Because right now, at this very moment, I swear that if I see one more “OMG I’ve eaten one cookie I’m SUCH A FAT PIG” thread (why so much hate for ourselves…), or any question about how much gas or crap weigh in one’s intestines (so that this weight can be substracted from that on the scales, of course…), my wires will seriously get crossed. It’s just not possible anymore. It’s not… not healthy. At least not healthy for my mind.
Now, I don’t think I want to give up on this blog. I like it, and I do want to lead a healthy, balanced life, after all–which is exactly why I also want recovery, and won’t bury my head in the sand claiming that my binging problem is ‘only overeating in front of the TV sometimes’, or anything to that extent. This said, I don’t know yet if I’ll rather talk of walking, exercise, that kind of things, or if I’ll stop writing for some time. Honestly, I don’t know.
What’s sure, though, is that hating myself for binging and obsessing about having to buy new clothes and all that shiz is no good. Therefore, I’ll be removing the weight loss-related triggers. These ones, at least, I may be able to stay away from, contrary to my stressful life and the fact that I’m a little too lonely these days for my own good. (Yes, I know there’s also the media and its twisted messages. Maybe I can just avoid buying magazines? It’s been years I haven’t had a TV, only a monitor to watch DVDs, so I could probably push it just a little further?)
*sigh*
March 25th, 2008 at 19:20
Hi! I’m a new reader. I have been struggling with binge eating pretty heavily for the last 5 years. I’ve gained and lost the same 40 pounds several times. I can relate to what you’re saying about abstaining from the diet forums and stuff. Right now I’m read dozens of blogs but just because I feel its time to ignite my mind and start writing and talking about my feelings regarding bingeing. For a while now, I wasn’t ready to deal with it and just didn’t think about it. Anyways, thanks for writing. Its really comforting to meet people who are struggling with the same thing. Power to you.
March 25th, 2008 at 19:49
Wow, you and I seem to be on the same wavelength. I got busy this weekend and haven’t been to 3FC since Thursday, but… I’m finding I’m a lot less focused on food without reading/posting. I also ruminated on my blog this morning about whether being in this fitness/diet/running circle is helping or hurting. Basically, the NYT did a piece on how food bloggers think that their weight is determined by genetics, because it seems like everyone eats the way they do (because they surround themselves with other foodies who aren’t nutrition conscious).
But I’ve had my mom ask me why I’m obsessed with food/fitness/etc. I’m not bulimic or anorexic or any of the other well-known eating disorders), and I don’t think I’m even exercising too much… but I am obsessive with counting calories and getting my workouts in. Maybe a break would help that…
March 26th, 2008 at 08:53
Marie — Welcome to my blog. I hope that writing about your feelings will be of help to you. It seems that if I take the time to confront mine instead of thinking “I only need willpower”, things go a little better, so maybe (surely?) it would help you as well?
March 26th, 2008 at 08:56
Laura — Talk about a coincidence, great minds think alike, and all that!
Honestly, I don’t know if being in such a cycle as you mention is helping or hurting. Probably it helps if the person doesn’t have a particular problem with food… but of course, this does not count with binging, since it’s a whole other load to tackle. -_-
March 26th, 2008 at 12:11
it is SUCH a life long struggle and you have to do whats best for you.
everything you said above makes such sense…here’s hoping you find the path which works best for YOUR needs.
hang in there,
MizFit
March 27th, 2008 at 10:34
Hey, I too am new to your blog. I am sorry to hear about the struggles that you have gone through to be the way you, or society or perhaps both, want to be. Just take a step back, look at it from another vantage point and take small steps. I think that writing this blog is great for helping you to express your feelings, get emotional support from avid readers, and keep you motivated to stay along the path of health. However, don’t get discouraged.
One thing to consider to help prevent binging is to force yourself to eat something small with fiber and protein every 2-3 hours. I know how it is to practically starve yourself (I am in the process of cutting for a competition now and it sucks thinking you are so far behind) but remember that you will get where you want with tried and proven methods.
Take care
-Travis
March 31st, 2008 at 14:18
Thank you MizFit. Truth be told, at this point, I don’t know anymore what’s going to work, so I have to experiment, sort of. But I really hope I’ll find what is good for me soon, because some things currently do suck a lot.
October 7th, 2008 at 04:53
Nice post. =) Good luck with everything.
Keith