It’s too bad we can’t put the feelings–emotional or physical–of a particular moment in a bottle. Or in some kind of recording-machine. Because there are moments I’d really like to remember, not only in my mind, but in my body as well.
I could live again a moment of happiness. Of elation. Of impatience. Whatever would strike my fancy. It would be nice. Even negative moments would probably have their use.
And I could also remember better all those times of not being–of not feeling at ease. Of having eaten too much, to the point of bloating. Of being full with junk food that only give me headaches. Of being 20 or 30 pounds heavier, of having already trouble to climb my stairs, of being a lump of flesh all day long more than a human being, of not having much energy left in me due to the lack of exercise and healthy food as well as of the abuse of junk.
Unfortunately for me, my mind is quite fickle regarding those things. I knew how I used to be, but somehow, if I haven’t been experiencing it for a while, the memory starts to fade, and I keep the knowledge only, not the associated state of being, in my thoughts. Sure, I also know that those feelings, physical and mental, tend to reappear again, little by little, if I let myself gain some weight again. But having to regain to remember how it was and decide it’s not worth it definitely sucks!
I’m not sure why exactly I tend to forget. Was I so used to it, after having been overweight since childhood, that I didn’t pay as much attention as I should have? Is it a process of denial? Is it normal? Is it that I felt so crappy that I now unconsciously do my best to forget it?
Regardless, it would still be pretty nice to be able to keep a little bottle of that awful feeling of having eaten too much, being bloated, and being generally very reluctant to get my arse out of the couch where it had sinked. A craving? The thought that eating at McDonald’s would be a good idea? Trying to convince myself that I don’t need to exercise today? Bam, a little whiff of those old feelings, and I’m quite sure the craving and laziness would disappear in a snap of fingers.
Well, in the meantime, I will go on relying on logics all the same. Without a little magic bottle to help me through it. It’s not like I have a choice anyway.
