I had briefly mentioned this in my answer to Beverly’s comment on this post, but then I had a serious little inner chat with myself, and I’m now really starting to wonder if this isn’t my issue with slowing down and being dangerously on the verge of… well, not giving up, but remaining where I am instead of pushing further.
The more I think of it, the more I’m indeed convinced that, even though it may not be THE only reason (I’m not sure yet), I have this fear of being disappointed, of ending up at goal weight only to realize that I don’t look great and that, well, maybe it wasn’t worth making all these efforts. I sort of already experienced this feeling, through the flawed perception I have of myself, so I don’t exactly know where I tread here… and I’m slightly frightened.
My lowest weight for the moment was 60-61 kgs and to be honest, I’ve never really seen the difference with when I was weighing 75. I’m slimmer, sure, I see it when I buy clothes, but I still have a huge belly, bottom and thighs, and these really stick—enough to make the good results harder to notice. That’s why I’m not sure of how I’ll look. I mean, if I still look this way at 60, will I really look so much better at 55? That’s only 5 less kilograms. How low am I supposed to go to look normal? 50 kgs? Less? I sure don’t want to look like a skeleton either, but this really makes me wonder.
I don’t know how to get rid of this fear, except resume proper eating and exercizing, especially strength-training. The latter has been hard to do these past weeks, in fact. Cardio, I can do at home, with my Walk Away The Pounds and other DVDs, but strength-training requires to go to the gym, and let’s face it… This makes 30 km just for this, and with the current high prices of gas, I just can’t afford going there even “only” three times a week to really do it well *sigh* Anyway, I’m going to do my best. I want tostick to half a hour of exercise, five days a week. Perfectly doable, not too huge a step, and half the time I end up doing more. This should help getting back on track… I hope.
One thing is sure… I am NOT going to give up. There are too many things I was afraid of and gave up because of. I don’t want to go that road anymore. I’ve been acknowledging a few other things in the past year or so, including my neurologic troubles recently; losing weight isn’t the most terrible challenge I’ve faced, even if it’s a very frustrating one at times.
I know I can do it. I just need to go past my fear. And if I still have a big belly once at weight goal, well, perhaps I mortgage my next ten Christmas to pay for surgery!
— Kery, who’s not doing that bad if she can still joke about it
Tags: weight loss
September 28th, 2005 at 20:04
Ahh, Kery, I feel ya sweetie! But just keep in mind, there’s a huge difference between giving up, and giving in to the realization that no matter what we do, our bodies will never be perfect in our eyes. Your fear of being disappointed is warranted and completely understandable. We get this idea in our heads that when we lose the weight, we’ll somehow have different bodies. The truth is, we’ll only have smaller, more toned versions of the same old bodies, and there’s not a damn thing we can do about that. Sucks, I know, but true. Unless, of course, you do intend to bah humbug your way through the next 10 Christmases! ;D
Oh, I almost forget! Forget about the gym and wasting the gas for strength training. I have always used hand weights right here at home. (I’m extremely anti-social, so joining a gym was out of the question for me!) Or, you could always use those resistance bands as well, along with a whole plethora of different at-home strength training techniques that I’m sure you could find by searching the web. Just a thought, since I so firmly believe in the importance of strength training for toning.
Beverly
September 28th, 2005 at 20:47
Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s just a bit depressing to tell myself that I’ll always have a bulgong stomach or something. I don’t mind the large hips and beasts because this is natural, but some parts are just hard to accept :/
For strength-training, I’ve been considering getting free weights, all that simply, but I don’t have much room to squeeze them in, not until we can finish to redo all rooms in our house. I have a few hand weights for the moment, the only problem is that I’m already past these, so there’s not much challenge left (plus the gym is free for me… the privilege of being the owner’s daughter-in-law ;)). For the moment I’m going once a week, so combined with exercises at home, it could indeed be a good thing, and I wouldn’t have any excuses of “I can’t do it at my hours”!
September 28th, 2005 at 22:43
I know this feeling. I’m at the size I wanted to be (although I’m heavier than I thought I’d need to be to make it) and I just don’t look how I imagined I would. I know I have more weight to lose, but it just made me wonder that if I’m not happy at this size, why do I believe that I’ll be happy at any of my other arbitrarily set targets. But then I try to cheer myself up by wondering why I think that my weight has such a big influence on whether I’m happy or not! I’ll feel healthier than I did no matter what I look like, and maybe that’s far more important than whether I’ve still got a bit of a belly.