I always have that stupid feeling that people think ill of me about that… like, “well, she’s fat, she must eat a lot, no wonder she’s such a wimp about not eating her oh-so-holy-breakfast first thing in the morning”.
I caught myself writing this in a post on the 3FC forum earlier on. Well, to be honest, I caught myself after it was done, and decided to not edit it, because it got me to think. That’s Fat Girl Thinking in one of its incarnations, you see.
The story behind that: I was basically saying that I had a hard time this morning due to having a blood test to do on an empty stomach–and I don’t work well on a stomach that’s been empty for the last 12 or 13 hours (light dinner, as usual, and I generally don’t eat after 7-7:30 pm either). Having blood drawn in such conditions leaves me weak, with a spinning head, when I don’t simply faint.
And yet, all I could think of when it came to having breakfast was that I shouldn’t complain: after all, I’m just a fat girl, I should toughen up and not moan as soon as I have to delay a meal by one hour or two, right? No thin person would complain, because they are thin and therefore perfect. (Sarcasm much here, hm.)
Does that sound like a screwed thought? Yes? My take as well, now that I’ve reflected upon it.
Why do such things keep on crossing my mind from time to time? I don’t know. I’m not obese anymore, lots of people now tend to consider me ‘average’ and not ‘fat’, but I’m still plagued by such ideas. Maybe it’s because I’ve been overweight for so long that I just don’t know what it is to be average. Maybe it’s also because of my weird relationship with food these days–I binge, so the whole world must know about it and whisper behind my back.
Yeah. It’s indeed screwed up. And I’d better start looking for a way to stop these thoughts, because they really don’t help.
February 26th, 2008 at 20:25
((hugs))
I tend to get lightheaded/faint when I have blood drawn too. I don’t think it’s a “fat girl can’t handle missing breakfast” thing, I think it’s just a “some people don’t handle getting blood drawn very well” thing.
February 29th, 2008 at 12:54
It’s very likely not a matter of “fat people can’t handle missing breakfast”. It’s just that I still have a hard time, at some moments, to think rationally about those things. *rolleyes*
The funniest in all of this is that I give my blood regularly. (Well, at least I don’t have to do that on an empty stomach!)
February 29th, 2008 at 20:56
We are all so unkind to ourselves sometimes, eh? Then the things we think about ourselves get twisted around in our heads as things other people must be thinking about us, and it’s even worse.
I guess the good news is that most people are so self-absorbed they’re rarely spending time thinking about US. Now if only we could remember that, and if only we could be kinder to ourselves!
March 1st, 2008 at 11:05
So twisted, indeed! And so true as well. In a way, I’m sure that if I were to grab some random passer-by in the street while I’m eating a croissant, and would ask “what do you think of me eating that right now?”, they’d just go “Huh? What?”
Well, being so unkind to myself is precisely what I want and need to stop, I admit. It’s tiresome.
March 17th, 2008 at 12:11
nothing to add but simply this post broke my heart.
M.
March 18th, 2008 at 23:08
Well that probably means I definitely need a change of attitude on that point. But I already knew it. Fat Girl Thinking… not so easy to get rid of it. -_-