One of the things I recently came to realize was that I miss being “feminine”. I miss wearing little dresses and make-up. I miss putting hats on my head and wondering what pair of earrings I could pick to go with my clothes of the day. Does this sound vain? Yeah, maybe. What I know is that, if I feel pretty, if I feel feminine and sexy, it actually gives me some strength to go on walking on this road to weight loss.
While I didn’t feel very concerned with clothes when I was younger, I started dressing a little better when I was in high school, and most of all after I was 18, when I went to college and dropped a good 20 pounds due to walking a lot and eating properly for a change. And it was great! I was still overweight, yet I used to feel beautiful no matter what, because for once I wore enhancing clothes, instead of sweaters, men’s clothes or, worst of all, “comfort-cut” pants that would make me look like I had The Ass. (I seriously hate these pants. They may be comfy, but they’re nowhere close to being nicely cut for overweight people; they specifically point at what shouldn’t be enhanced, while not enhancing the rest of the legs, which would probably deserve to be.)
So yeah, why did I stop wearing these clothes? Two reasons: 1) I gained all the weight back plus some and they didn’t fit anymore, 2) I’ve started working from home, and when you don’t have any reason to go out and look pretty, when you don’t meet customers and bosses and have to be well-dressed, well, you just go the comfy road more often than not. With a very playful dog at home who likes putting his paws on my legs and the need for me to regularly exercise, I just couldn’t be bothered to “make an effort” and wear little skirts, pantyhose and makeup. Instead, I tended to favor what I could call “sportswear”, so that it was easy for me to jump in my sneakers whenever I felt like it.
Now, I’m not complaining, since I also like “being natural”—and this is not an excuse for me to wear extra-large sweaters and sweatpants that would hide any weight gain from myself: I like my sportswear fitting, there’s nothing more annoying to me than feeling T-Shirt sleeves on my arms when lifting weights, or having said XL T-Shirt flap in front of me when on the elliptical bike. So, uhm, in a way, I suppose that my sports clothes are sort of “sexy” too, in that they’re short and tight-fitting, to take the less room possible on me. Adding to this the fact that my boyfriend also likes me “natural”, which I can understand, since if I were him I sure wouldn’t want to find myself with lipstick on my face after kissing, it’s not “letting myself go”, and it’s thus easy for me to dress like this. Hey, I’m at ease, and he’s not difficult and finds me pretty. What more could one ask?
I guess the problem is that, well, sometimes a woman just needs to dress pretty. Not for a man, not for a boss, not to impress a customer, but just for herself, to feel pretty. It’s like wearing sexy underwear on a lazy rainy Sunday when all alone at home: nobody’s going to see it, yet it’s here, and just knowing that makes me feel better than if I still had those horrible white pants my mother kept on buying for me. (That’s her thing: overweight=must not be at ease in lace underwear=needs to wear horrible skin-tinted stuff. Uhm, no, I still like my G-strings, thanks.)
What does this have to do with losing weight? It simply reminds me how good it feels to wear short little skirts and short tops. It reminds me that if I ever gain on weight again, I can’t wear these clothes I like, unless I buy them in bigger sizes (which I don’t have the money for, and which they simply may not have in my size depending on what weight I’d reach!). It also makes me realize that if I hang on and drop some more weight, I’ll look even better in them.
So what, it’s vain, I said it! But it works, and this is what counts to me. I need these littles things, I need to be able to clutch at these, sometimes, because at times, ll the grand talks of living a healthy life also happen to weaken in front of a chocolate craving, and I then need something that I can touch to remind me to hold good—something like lipstick and nice dresses, that I can hold between my hands.
These thoughts settled it: from now on, I’ll make the effort to dress pretty, even if only to go buy the groceries. I guess the dog will have to refrain jumping on my skirts, but he’ll get more caresses instead to compensate. And I can wear makeup after exercising, after all.
Anything to keep myself going.
Tags: clothing | weight loss
September 22nd, 2005 at 16:45
Interesting, I’ve never really given this subject much thought since I, too, rarely if ever, wear makeup and/or dress up nicely, and prefer to be “more natural” as well. But you’re right, when on occasion I do go all out, I feel more confidant, sexy and keenly aware of my own physical presence, as well as other’s reactions to me. Unfortunately, I’ve never taken much interest in my outward appearance due to a lifetime of morbid obesity, so when I do take a notion to dress up and wear makeup, it feels somewhat foreign to me, like I don’t know how to behave as a “pretty” person in public, which, at times, can be quite unnerving.
I don’t think you’re being vain at all, rather feeling like a “normal” woman for the first time in far too long. So, you go right ahead and allow yourself to feel pretty, you’ve worked damn hard and you deserve it!
Beverly
September 23rd, 2005 at 13:18
Hee hee. I put on lipstick to go buy the groceries this morning. That’s when I suddenly understood why all the jokes about women checking their makeup in the rear view mirror while driving *lol* It made me also realize that I hadn’t worn makeup since I’ve gotten my driving license, and even before that, which makes it, uhm, at least one year and a half. At least. Talk about rediscovering how to apply it on my face properly!
What you wrote also made me realize that, indeed, a lifetime of weight problems can prevent one from really… I don’t know how to say it, “acquire the usual girlish reflexes”? Going to stores with “normal” girls would often be depressing when they didn’t carry my size. I guess wearing makeup was also some sort of useless thing: with or without it, I’d still be fat and people would still look at the thin girls anyway, so why bother wasting time to apply it! So instead of bothering learning how to make enhancing use of makeup, I’d draw and write in my room instead. Yeeesh. GOod thing that I learnt to do that in college, though; it’s always useful.
September 23rd, 2005 at 16:35
I rarely wear a dress, but I know what you mean. I can’t wait to start wearing dresses and pretty skirts, and not feel look I shouldn’t be wearing that stuff. I think I dress badly on purpose, because it is what is expected of me.
November 5th, 2005 at 09:28
It was enlightening to read this entry Kery, I am in the Army, so there is not much call for being feminine at all. Tragicaly in uniform the only deminine touch is toenail polish and a splash of perfume!
I am also struggling with my weight and more than identify with the pain of going shopping to buy something nice but finding nothing that fits! WHy is it so difficult to find quality, complementing clothes?