I’m still not done with my binging problem, but in the past days, I took some time to reflect in depth about all of this. In a way, it was easy: I’m on sick leave for the week, so I had lots of time on my hands, and a real need to think of something else than “what, you’re not taking advantage of this week to do MORE homework? You stupid lazy girl!” (See, how I’m kind with myself. A-hem.)
So I thought. I also got Overcoming Overeating in the mail, so I read. And I thought again.
The truth is, since I’ve started ‘really dieting’–religiously counting calories, fat grams, etc.–things have gone down the drain. Voilà . There it is, and there it had to be said. I don’t know what got into me the day I started to do that.
When I came back to this blog in April 2007, determined to lose weight again, my motto was: “I want to eat like normal people do”. That was my big secret. I kept a food log, but I didn’t count calories. I weighed some foods, like rice and pasta, but I didn’t fret out about whether I had weighed 40g or 42g of dry rice. It worked, and I wasn’t even doing that much exercise, mind you! That’s also when I decided that I would try a vegetable several times before claiming I didn’t like its taste. That’s when I realized that I’m not such a big eater, actually, and that the glutton I was thinking of whenever I mentally pictured myself was just a mere shadow from the past.
The weight I lost? I lost it during that period, between April and June 2007. Naturally, painlessly.
Then diet mentality set in, insidiously. I moved, I decided to “do even better” by counting calories, logging everything into FitDay, weighing even my vegetables. Oddly enough, my problems with binging started some time in August, probably triggered by my birthday (I celebrated it three times in the same week, each time with different people). It didn’t stop there. It got gradually worse during the school year, and the more I tried to white-knuckle it, count calories even more thoroughly, berated myself for letting the binges happens… well, guess what? The more I did this, the worse it became.
Which brought me to this conclusion: apparently, diet mentality doesn’t work for me. Not to say that it set me on the course of an eating disorder that I barely suspected. After all, all I was doing was “eating normally”, right? All I was doing was “eating like normal people do”?
Except that “normal eating” very likely does not entail counting calories, nor feeling guilty about eating an apple because “it’s not the least caloric fruit”. And “being normal” doesn’t entail looking at a cookie as if it was the spawn of Satan. I mean, it’s just food. It does not hold any power, nor does it have to.
I’m going to be rude and say: fuck diets. Screw calories counting. I don’t ever want to look at a food and have its caloric intake pop first into my mind. That’s abnormal. That’s destructive. Maybe it works for some people, but after months and months of desperately trying, it’s clear that it doesn’t work for me. (Remember what I was saying, long ago, about having lost weight without realizing it ten years ago, when I first went to college? I didn’t count back then. I didn’t even attempt to lose weight. It happened because I was finally the one who could make her own decisions about food, and those decisions weren’t as silly as I feared.)
I’m not going to go gung-ho on pizza, ice cream and cookies. I’m not using these thoughts as an excuse, simply because I know it won’t be an excuse. Weird and preposterous as it may seem, I have to word this out loud: I will trust my body. For instance, the fact that I naturally, unconsciously started to eat less starches (not as part of a diet or a “must do” mentality: it just happened, is all) tends to make me think that my body is not the black hole I thought it was when it comes to food. Maybe it’s time I stop fighting it. It’s the rebellious streak, in a way: consider a food as ‘bad’, even unconsciously, and you’ll end up craving it.
There’ll be faux-pas. I already know it. I’m prepared to face them. But this time, I won’t berate myself and call myself names about them. I’m not in this world to abuse myself and my body this way. This behaviour has to stop.
March 1st, 2008 at 13:06
I can SO relate to this! Over the course of several months in 2006, I lost approximately 70 pounds. And did I count calories? Heck no! All I did was make a conscious effort to cut back on my eating. It was easy. There were no foods that I totally avoided. If I went out to eat, I ate half the meal and took the rest home in a box for another meal. I tried to make healthy choices. I didn’t beat myself up if I pigged out. I remember eating cannolis during this time period. I remember eating hot fudge sundaes, hot dogs, and chips. I just didn’t pig out all the time. And the weight dropped off! And I didn’t stress about losing weight the way that I am now!
I started counting calories last August. And I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster ever since… both emotionally and on the scale.
I’ve been kind of scared to stop counting calories. But honestly… I think the best thing for me to do would be to go back to what I was doing in 2006! I am SO glad that I am not the only one that feels this way! Thanks for this fantastic post!!!
March 1st, 2008 at 14:02
You’re welcome! To be honest, at first I pondered whether to post; but I suppose ‘diet mentality’ also includes ‘fearing that every decision of this kind will be a way to find excuses to gorge out’ *rolleyes*, so I posted all the same. I too am glad that I’m not the only one!
I say, if what you did in 2006 worked, and what you’re doing now doesn’t… then it’s probably worth going back to the 2006 method. We’re all different, and it’s logical that we don’t all have to do these things by the book…
March 1st, 2008 at 17:39
Excllent work exploring what you need and what works for you.
One thing I love about reading blogs is that I can see people coming to realizations about what works for THEM. You’re not just like everyone else, and you do have to find what works for YOU.
But then, in the process of finding and discussing what works for you, you’ve helped Chubby Chick!
Love it!
March 2nd, 2008 at 13:49
Heh, truth be told, I didn’t even think this would help someone else! But I’m glad it did. As you said, we have to find what works for us, even if it goes against what works for most people…
March 3rd, 2008 at 23:28
Wow, I totally agree. Lately I’ve been kind of obsessing about my calories, and not losing weight. But… how do you stop? I now have calorie counts for a lot of things memorized, and am pretty good at guessing when I don’t know. So when I see a food, I automatically think of it in terms of caloric value. How do I make that stop?
Though I’m still not entirely sure I should stop… we’ll see.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:05
Laura — I wish I had an answer to that! It’s very difficult for me as well, or at least, it is at the moment (I’m somehow hoping that this reflex will disappear given time). If I find a solution, I’ll sure let you know!
March 13th, 2008 at 04:36
I think calorie counting is obsessive and it takes the joy out of eating. Instead eating only the food you want and watch portion size. For example, I eat one cookie (not the box) or have only one or two handfuls of chips.
I eat as many fruits or vegetables I want. If I do measure things like cereal or rice, it’s by bowl size.
Normal eating is not obsessing about calories. It’s eating enough to be full and no more. It’s making healthy choices. It’s deciding if you really want a cookie or does the craving for a cookie pass in a few minutes.
March 13th, 2008 at 14:20
First, welcome to this blog, Lillian.
I currently also use a bowl to measure my cereals (and it’s a small bowl, not one of the humongous things I used to eat in when I was in high-school). I still have an annoying tendency to consider foods in terms of calories–this just won’t go on in a snap of fingers–but I admit that not obsessing as much as before is already a good thing, and a step in the right direction.
And most of the time, that craving for a cookie indeed goes away after some time, if I really take the time to think about it and not give in to the most immediate, comforting solution.
March 16th, 2008 at 11:57
I recently quit the counting calories myself. It really stressed me out if I didn’t stay within my calorie alotment for the day, even if it was just 50 calories over or so. I do count fiber now, but only to make sure I get enough. I try to get at least 50 grams of fiber a day, and it’s been working for me.
I now enjoy my yogurt again first thing in the morning, before driving the kids to school. A couple of hours later, I have a decent breakfast. I eat more fruits and veggies again, instead of counting every bite- if I had, say, a Doritos 100 calorie pack, I would forego the apple to compensate for the calories, which was foolish. I learned to eat like a normal person again, just cut down on portions, and make sure I eat a variety of fruits, veggies, proteins, and grains every day. If I have a Snicker’s bar every now and then (usually during TOM), I don’t fret about it anymore.
I also enjoy exercising again. One other mistake I made was counting calories and comparing to how many I burned off during the day- another no no. I would get stressed out if I didn’t think I burned enough that day. Now, I just have fun while doing whatever suits me for exercise every day, eat healthy, and have been losing at a comfortable weight again.
Take care,
Audrey, aka Steelslady