What I got out at first of the present week is that it had started on a completely wrong foot for me regarding exercise. I had absolutely no idea why - it’s not like I had overworked myself over the week-end, run a marathon or tried to lift more than I should; the only exercise I crammed in during the past week-end, in fact, was a few sets of light weight-lifting, because my biceps are still pretty much on the weak side, and I wanted to “do” a little something, at least. Two pounds of weights aren’t what I call “too much”, though.
Perhaps it was because of the step aerobics class, on the Monday evening. Or perhaps because I didn’t go to the gym on the Tuesday, however taking some time to start working on Pilates exercises, which aren’t so evident to grasp on the first try. Whatever caused it, in any case, what is sure is that my Wednesday weight lifting session was done in a somewhat cranky way; for a moment, even, while warming up on the elliptical machine, I felt pain in my left Achilles, which put me rather at unease and caused me to completely drop certain moves. In a much unconscious manner, my body probably tried to compensate one way or the other, to avoid the strain on my leg. This left me feeling very rusty in the evening, wondering why now my back and arms were aching too, and starting to seriously think that I would “take it easy” on the day after by not exercising.
Then it occurred to me that this might not be the solution, and that perhaps what was happening was, all that simply, “a day without”.
This is likely something everyone has already experienced. Some days, I feel like a power-machine, ending up a weight-lifting session with the thought that the next day I could easily up the weights a little. The next day comes, and suddenly it seems like lifting anything is just too much, and that I feel and am terribly week. There are days when I can anticipate such physical feelings of weakness, the most predictable of them being these famous three or four days, every month, that I know very well as a woman. On these days, I am everything but efficient, and I’m aware that I shouldn’t expect too much of myself regarding performances; I lift what I can on the press, and I do what I can on the elliptical machine. It doesn’t matter, because I know it’s the normal processus for my body. It has been this way for years, and actually, it used to be so worse before I went on the pill, that what I’m experiencing nowadays really isn’t such a biggie.
But when it happens and there’s no apparent reason? Well, this is where I had to question myself. “Not apparent” doesn’t mean that I haven’t any reason to feel less performant. Maybe I didn’t sleep as well as I thought the night before. Maybe I didn’t cramm enough proteins into my lunch, or into the previous dinner. Maybe walking my dog in ten centimeters of snow for half a hour just before going to the gym wasn’t such a good idea, that keeping my balance while preventing him from dragging me along already put a strain on my muscles. Maybe it’s just so impossible to explain, related to such a tiny, delicate balance of chemistry within my body, that I’d better not try for a reason, and just accept it the way it is.
Today, as I was still considering not going to the gym, I simply tried to really listen to my body for a change - to my body, and not to my guilty feelings of not doing enough, of being a slug, of being lazy, of not being as performant as I should, given that it’s not on my period days. I listened, and it seemed to me that my body was telling me: “I can do it, just take it easy and don’t try to push me too far. Now, let’s go; you’ll feel so much better once we’re there, you’ll see”.
And I showed up, which, I realized later, was already half of the battle won: once you’re at the gym, you’re indeed less tempted to turn back than if you’re left on your own at home, with the temptation of the computer or of a good book. I showed up, having taken the decision to do what I could, without specific goals, without must-do’s, without thoughts of challenging myself. I stayed for a good hour and a half, warming up quietly on the bike, then going through my usual series of lifting weights. If I could lift what I’m used to, then it was all well. When I was afraid that it’d strain my muscles, just like what happened with my leg the day before, I lightened the weight. I took extra time in the end to stretch more than usual, still quietly. Nothing had gone wrong, and several hours later, sitting at home typing these lines, I’m still feeling relaxed, without little aches here and there.
For once, I could understood my body enough. For once, I stopped thinking that I had to challenge myself every day. I am not exercising to become a professional athlete, but simply to help my body become healthier. Nobody is watching me. Nobody is judging me, but myself only. I have ignored the true needs of my body for long enough, for many years; now is time that I, even slowly, learn to understand it and recognize its various subtle signals.
- Kery
