I can’t remember how the topic was raised, but the other day, I was told something along the lines of “you must be proud of the weight you’ve lost and of the efforts you make”. And at first I thought this was it: yes, yes, I’m so proud of myself, I’ve been so good and all, look at me, whee, I’m the queen of the world.
But come to think of it, now that the idea has sunk in, I realize I’m not that proud. In fact… no, I’m not proud. Happy, yes. Glad that I’ve made those changes, yes. Convinced more than ever that it was the right thing to do, yes. But not proud per se.
Because I tell myself, why would I be proud of doing something that is completely normal, and that I should have been doing for a long, long time??
Why would I be proud of eating delicious veggies and fruits? Of getting fish and meat in my diet a few times during the week, instead of once in a blue moon only? Of not gorging on sugar, sodas, fast-food, ice-cream, pizza, cookies, and that list is getting too long already? Of moving my lard a few times a week to go walk, bike or even lift a few weights now and then? I mean, that’s not a feat, that’s just normal! That’s what the human being is made for, what we are all supposed to eat, what we are all supposed to do: taking care of our bodies. I don’t know when nor where things started to go the wrong way, but one thing is sure: it’s nowadays’ society that has made those things appear abnormal, when it should just be the other way around. And all in all, losing the extra weight is nothing more than a side-effect of doing something normal.
If I’m proud of that, it sort of means to me that… I don’t know, maybe that I’m too easily pushed to become proud? That I’m giving too much credit to something that doesn’t deserve that much, being after all normal, and that if I’m proud of something normal, then what remains that is really worthy of being proud of? (Circonvoluted and meandering thinking much, I know.)
Besides, pride can be dangerous, too. If I’m proud of doing all that,of being ‘on plan’ and all that stuff… then if one day I fail to be on plan, doesn’t it mean that my shame would in turn be equal to my pride? This, to me, would be a slippery slope. If I’m not proud, I’m not ashamed, I’m not induced into the guilt of ‘not living up to my expectations’; if I’m not ashamed, then the whole process doesn’t have to bear negative stigma, and it makes it easier for me to bounce back and not dillydally on that slope.
So, no, I’m not particularly proud. I don’t despise nor hold contempt toward my current lifestyle, of course, but to be really honest with myself, I don’t feel pride. I certainly feel more pride in having found the strength to go back to college, move out and overturn my former, boring little life in a country village to do what I really wanted to do, instead of wallowing in shame and the fear of change–any change. This meant doing a 180 and getting 100% out of my way. But eating vegetables and meat instead of a cheesburger for lunch? No. As hard as it is to resist cravings, I’m still not ‘proud’. I’m starting to consider that this is just normal. And I do hope that somehow, some day, this will contribute to making my relationship with food normal as well.
And now, the disclaimer of Hell:
I hope I haven’t angered anyone with that post. It’s only meant to reflect my own feelings regarding MY choices here! And, who knows, maybe I’m just weird like that and am not feeling what I should be feeling? Also, I have not written that post to belittle anyone’s achievements, nor my own. Losing weight IS hard for everyone involved. It’s just that when I look at it in a completely rational, logical way, without emotions involved (I am, all in all, more a rational than an emotional being, in spite of still being a boredom eater), I realize that too many people (I used to do that too, I’m not as white as the proverbial lamb here) still tend to view things kind of backwards–as in, adopting a healthy lifestyle in order to lose weight ‘only’, when in fact we should adopt a healthy lifestyle to BE HEALTHY, and the weight loss would simply be a very visible, positive side-effect of that choice. (Uh, am I making sense here?)
Ah, well. On the other hand, perhaps I can still be a little proud of managing to do that on a student’s budget, because this is probably not the easiest starting point to make those changes?
August 29th, 2007 at 21:08
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September 3rd, 2007 at 21:45
Very interesting post, it really made me think–because I easily could have been the one who said something of being proud of what you’re doing to get healthy.
I guess one reason I might see things that way is that I do think that in a world where healthy behavior is the exception, not the norm, it takes a lot of strength and self-discipline to do the right thing. If everyone else were making healthy choices and if society supported it, then yeah, it would just be ‘normal’. Wouldn’t it be a great world if every restaurant, grocery store, workplace, and community were designed for people who cared about their health? But that’s not the world we live in, so it takes some exceptional behavior to accomplish what you’re doing.
The other reason I might talk about pride is that I don’t think the absence of it has to mean shame. It can still mean self-acceptance. If I make a special effort I’m proud of, then stop making it, I don’t feel I have to be ashamed–just maybe not so proud anymore!
But “pride” is sort of a loaded word and we probably all mean something different when we use it. For you not to feel pride seems totally understandable, while for someone else to feel pride about the same behavior also seems totally understandable!
Again, very interesting post.
September 4th, 2007 at 10:25
Aye, it’s true that it is also a matter of perspective–all of us don’t give the word ‘proud’ the same meaning, and what I feel pride in isn’t necessarily what another person will feel pride in. It’s a good point you make here, that I have overlooked, I think, in my post.
Also, I think I went along the road of ‘no pride’ kind of equating ’shame’, because I often see things mentioned this way on many weight loss blogs/forum posts. Again, not necessarily true for everyone; it’s just that “I’m so proud, I’ve been so good for two weeks’ can very well be followed by “and now I’ve blown it, I’m so ashamed of myself”.
Or maybe it’s just that I think too much. XD