Sometimes, it is weird to realize that old triggers don’t hold as much sway on you as they used to… And I have absolutely no explanation about why this happened. None. I can’t say “it’s because I did this and wote down that about my eating”, or some such. It’s just… weird.
Yesterday, I was tired. Perhaps even more than that. The past nights hadn’t brought me much sleep, probably because of my own silliness, though (yes, if you drink something like 4 liters during the day, don’t be surprised that your bladder wakes you up two or three times during the night!). I don’t know. Anyway, I was tired. The more the day went on, the crankier I became as well. I also became clumsy, the way I always am when I’m really tired, and to top it all, I broke a filling while chewing on a few almonds for my afternoon snack.
And we all know where being tired and cranky usually lead people who have a ‘problem’ with food, right?
It wouldn’t be the first time that I ate an entire box of cookies just because I was frustrated. Or hauled my sorry arse to the nearest McDonald’s with the excuse that I ‘deserved a treat’. No, not the first time at all, and probably not the last. This is why what happened is weird.
I had finished my dinner, and was waiting for a bit to make sure whether I was still hungry or had eaten enough. Finally, I decided that I was hungry–not much, nothing that a slice of cheese, for instance, couldn’t solve. So I reached for the camembert cheese in the fridge.
There was mould on it.
A cheese I had bought not even one week ago.
And I love camembert cheese.
…But the next thing I did, instead of scrapping the mould and eating the cheese all the same, or slamming the door with enough in my purse to go fetch a Sundae ‘just because’, was to throw the cheese in the trashcan. I threw it away, because I was angry, because this was the last straw, because I couldn’t take anything any more before the day was completely over. I threw it away, because seeing it completely ruined what was left of my hunger.
Shortly after, I went to bed with a good book in the hope that this would help me calm down. I didn’t give any after-thought to eating something else from the fridge, to buying something else, something junky, to eat. It just flew out of my mind.
This had never happened before… not that I know of, at least. I’d like to understand. To know precisely why, yesterday of all days, anger made me look at that food with disgust, instead of just do like I had always done before and simply eat what was still edible. My biggest trigger is boredom, but frustration and anger are normally close behind. I don’t need that many excuses to convince myself that I deserve cookies and ice-cream.
I still don’t have any answer. But I am amazed. Yes, very much amazed.
